#Metoo

So, I’ve been thinking, “what could I possibly have to say that hasn’t been said?” And, it dawned upon me, that this is not at all the point of speaking out. Of course, this has all been said, so many times, for so many years, but the point is now: we have to KEEP saying it. And we have to EACH say it. All of us. We have to speak the truth in our hearts as we know it. We have to speak our pain and our anger and our mourning and our understanding of the world right now as we see it. Because maybe someone hasn’t heard ME say it. Maybe it hasn’t yet been heard it in quite this way, at this moment, in these circumstances from this person. Maybe there is the smallest chance that my words will help someone see this in a slightly different light, that maybe, just maybe, even one single person will say “oh. I see. I didn’t realize” Maybe someone won’t agree with most of it, but will agree with enough of it to see that we have to do something, that we have to take some steps to right these injustices. And that’s what we have to aim for. To be heard, even if just by one person.

But, I have to say, I’m not actually looking to engage in debate with this post. I am really not ready to argue with people who don’t agree with what I say here. I’m way too traumatized by the past days to fight with people in my space about this. If you’d like to make a counter-point, please, respectfully, do it on your page/in your space. This place is for my truth, the way I see the world. It is for the pain, the sadness, the compassion I am holding for women and survivors today.

So, here are comments I’ve seen or heard in the past few days, and my to brief thoughts to explain why I see them as lacking a complete perspective on the Kavanaugh/Blasey Ford controversy (again so repetitive and less eloquent from what else is out there, but with the hope that it is new to someone reading):

1. “Everyone needs to settle down, things have become extreme, women are acting crazy/hysterical/rude/extreme.” Or some version of this. So, I get that tv makes everything feel sensationalized and dramatic. And I understand how it all felt like a big circus. But I can assure you- the drama, the sadness, and yelling- it came (and continues to come) from visceral, human, very real pain, trauma and sadness. It came from women who have been sexually abused and not believed. It came from women who took their abusers to trial and lost. It came from women who were told their rape was their fault. It came from women (thousands, millions) who have not been listened to, and were, quite simply, BEGGING, their elected officials to believe them. To listen to them. Those who thought it was over the top: just imagine, for a moment, that you had the courage to tell people the worst thing that ever happened to you in your life and either a) you weren’t believed or b) you were told it was your fault. Imagine how that would feel.
2. “I believe something happened to her (CBF), but it wasn’t him.” OR “She’s lying” Ok….so I’m terribly confused, why do we apply that “confused” and/or “lying” argument to her, but not to him? Why are we so certain that it’s HER that’s wrong? (see #1 re: believing women). Couldn’t he be confused or wrong with HIS memory? Couldn’t he have forgotten or been not telling the truth? Why does he get the benefit of the doubt, but not her? Also, think back to high school. Remember your most indelible memory. And especially your most upsetting one Do you recall who was there? Of course! The fight you got into? You know who punched you in the face, or said that awful thing (heck I remember it from middle school) you’d never forget. Why would she forget? When something horrible happens to us, and especially sexual violence, we think about it daily. It doesn’t leave us.
3. “I’m worried about my boys/sons/brothers/husbands/men.” But…here are the statistics, as I know them (not going to do citations here, but feel free to check them out yourself!) a) 1% of rapists/sexual violators are charged/get jail time. SO — even IF your boy/ did it, you probably don’t need to worry. But, I’m going to assume this comment is geared more towards false accusations: b) Guess what, no cause for concern! 5%ISH (I’ve also heard 2–8%) of rape/sexual abuse allegations are falsely made. SOOO, this is very uncommon. WHY would someone falsely accuse someone? Especially if it will only really mess up their life, cost them a lot of money, time and respect, and probably won’t result in a consequence (see #1) and c) 1 in 3: 33% of women have been sexually abused. So YOU know women, MANY of them, who have been assaulted in some way. Shouldn’t we be worried about their pain? Shouldn’t we be finding mechanisms to make that number smaller? If we don’t find a way to hold men accountable for their actions, that number will NOT decrease.
4. “Her story could not be corroborated” and “innocent until proven guilty.” The whole argument of trial vs. job applicant aside (JOB APPLICANT), see 3a: In our society it seems to be nearly impossible to prove sexual assault or have it corroborated. Which makes it a crime with not enough prohibitive factors: usually witnesses aren’t present to corroborate, and even if they are it’s not enough evidence(or witnesses don’t tell the whole truth b/c they’re worried about consequences to themselves), women are scared to report (see above), and even if you have PHYSICAL evidence (and think about what that means: imagine yourself going to police/hospital immediately after being sexually assaulted, imagine keeping all of that shame/ugliness/horror on you to only then be touched, questioned, and dissected for hours by virtual strangers) men still don’t go to jail, which makes women less likely to report, which makes men more likely to think they can get away with it which makes it more likely to happen, which continues the awful cycle. Our “circus” last week, resulted in a SOCIETAL decision to not believe women making this more damaging and traumatizing. Our elected leaders, and a large portion of the population has said, through the appointment of Kavanaugh: we don’t believe you if you say this happened, AND, you can’t prove it did.

So, here’s the thing. I am NOT crying for myself. I’m not worried about what will happen to me now. And, as a mother to 2 young children, I am certainly sad and scared for them, but, quite frankly, I have not been crying for the past 3 days for them. I am crying for the college student(students, really, thousands of them) who was assaulted at a party last night, and is terrified and alone and has been following along these past weeks and has had validated what she knew deep within her: that she won’t be believed for any number of reasons that we could come up with: because no one else was there or she had a few beers or because she took a shower because she needed to rid herself of the trauma in any way possible. I am crying for the boys who are drinking too much and carefree knowing their actions will not have consequences. I am crying because my friend’s assaulter will never have to atone for the pain he caused her. I am crying because my friend is millions of women. And millions more of her sisters turned their back on her.